GUILT

A close third to the feelings most commonly experienced by mothers (running just behind love and fatigue) is guilt.

Unlike exhaustion, guilt follows mothers throughout the journey, morphing slightly to fit the demands of their changing children. With newborns, the guilt springs right alongside the nightime feedings and constant diaper changes. (Will I really mess up nursing if I give him a pacifier just this once?? Oh no! I never gave him infant massages . . . will be we be connected?). Oftentimes, due to competing, irreconcilable voices in my head, guilt is the only option. If I don't pick him up everytime he cries, I feel like I'm neglecting him. If I do pick him up everytime he cries, I feel like I'm spoiling him.

My interactions with my three year old prompt guilty fears about what I should be doing with her (I barely even read to her or work with her on fun educational pursuits. She's totally getting neglected with this new baby on the scene.), as well as what I shouldn't be doing with her (What kind of mom gives their kid a sucker BEFORE dinner? Seriously- I'm letting her watch Toy Story AGAIN tonight?). Most menacing, however, is the guilt that springs up when I observe Lucy's development or behavior. (I can't believe she just ripped that toy out of her friend's hand! WHERE did I go wrong? How can my daughter be the only almost-three-year-old in the world to still need a pacifier to sleep and to actively resist potty training. How did I screw her up this much?)

My midwife explained it to me this way, when she lectured me for 30 minutes before we left the hospital: Most people are content to NOT be perfectionists in life. We don't feel like we have to be NBA stars or high status political figures, or famous published authors. But nearly EVERY parent feels they have to be, at all times, amazing. This is unrealistic, and because human beings are pretty darn resilient, it doesn't matter that most of us can't measure up. Most of the time, it's just about showing up and being there, with whatever strength and wisdom we can muster up for that moment.

So today, I commit to (slightly) lowered parenting expectations. I do not have to be up-to-date on every parenting theory out there. I do not ALWAYS have to be totally consistent. The odds are my kids will be decent people because Justin and I are decent people. And the odds are, at some point, when my daughter makes up her stubborn mind within the next ten years, she will stop peeing and pooping in a diaper.

I'd write more- but I've got to run and spend some time with the newborn. After all, what kind of mother am I to blog instead of give him 100% of my undivided attention? :)