Wednesday, May 18, 2011

In Pursuit of Pain

I've come to the well-thought-out conclusion that all mothers are, at their heart, masochists.

How so? I could begin with the excitement we feel when that little line shows up on the pregnancy test, to be followed closely with a good 6-9 weeks of the worst, most-persistent kind of nausea and exhaustion imaginable. Then there are the back aches, the hip pains, the swollen body parts, and the inevitably unflattering weight-gain. Forget about childbirth: c-section or vaginal birth-- either one presents its own set of amazingly indescribable-off-the-charts levels of moans and groans. Think the fun ends once the kid is born? Ha! There are the bleeding nipples, the sleepless nights, and I could go on and on. Things do let up a bit as the kid becomes more human and less animal, but I've got to tell you, at least once a week my romping three year-old daughter's hard head comes into painful contact with my head or jaw or nose with enough force to bring tears to my eye. And parents of adolescents tell me that the emotional pain of raising a teenage daughter will make all of this initial pain seem like child's play . . .

I bring all of this ouch-factor up because I am on the cusp of enjoying it all over again. 39 weeks pregnant, my due date is just four days away. And I am struggling to make sense with the fact that, every time my stomach tightens or cramps with another meaningless Braxton-Hick's contaction, my heart leaps with the hope that this MAY BE IT. I'm falling for it all over again! Although I believed that humans have biologically evolved to avoid pain (aka- once we touch a hot stove, we don't touch it again), we are somehow excempt from such rationality where procreation is concerned. Not only am I such a sucker that I want to start this roller coaster of exhaustion over again as soon as possible (rather than enjoying my last few days of freedom), I want to pursue a NEW type of pain . . . a VBAC rather than a C-Section. I even plan to avoid an epidural as long as I can (to avoid any complications), although even I have my limits . . .

Billy Blanks, my personal DVD Tae-Bo coach, likes to remind me, as he sweats fake sweat bouncing around in bright leotards, that "you have to give some to get some." Perhaps this is why we pursue the pain of parenthood, even when we know precisely what we are getting into, even when we can no longer claim the profound ignorance of first time parenthood. Because we second-time mothers know that beyond the pain, there is pleasure that far-surpasses it. . .

That's what I'm banking on, anyway . . . After all, I'm kind of committed at this point . . .

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